Writer Advice Rebellion: You Need to Grow Thicker Skin

"You just need to grow thicker skin." -Anyone who thinks you are being too sensitive about your feedback. 

First of all, you aren't a lizard. 

Do lizards grow thick skin? Honestly, I have no idea. I am firmly a non-reptile person, but that's what I picture when someone says this.

Second, it is really hard to just decide not to let something upset you. 

When I was young, I distinctly remember hearing my mom tell someone, "Well, Dawn wears her heart on her sleeve." Another really odd mental image, but that is not my point. 

Being told that didn't make me magically stop feeling things or give me the tools to stop letting things bother me. It taught me to hide when I was upset, at least from people who couldn't be trusted to support me. That didn't allow the space I needed to work through those feelings and establish a strategy to move forward. 

So, how does that connect to processing your feedback? 

You have permission to acknowledge that sometimes feedback (no matter how well-intentioned) can hurt, especially if you are a new writer and you haven't received this kind of feedback before. Even if you are an experienced author, it can still sting to have someone point out the flaws in your creation.

It's okay to take a moment to feel that hurt before deciding your next step. 

I had a client tell me once that after she receives her edits, she "needs a day to be mad" at me. 

I thought that was pretty healthy. This was an Amazon Top Ten bestselling author with multiple successful series under her name. She didn't try to ignore how she felt. She didn't try to pretend like it didn't impact her. She acknowledged her need to be briefly defensive. She let herself process that so that when she was ready to meet with me, we could have productive conversations about how to strengthen her stories. 

So, how do you rebel against the need to "grow thicker skin"? 

Consider the source 

Is the person giving feedback worth your time and energy?

 Not everyone is your target audience. Not every editor "gets" your story. Not every reviewer has a valid opinion. 

Trust me on this one.

One of the services I offer is to read reviews for my clients so they don't have to. I create a report that gives them positive comments (for the days they are considering becoming a snake wrangler instead), as well as a summary of constructive feedback that might be useful to consider in future books. 

For example, several reviews stating they thought the ending was rushed are worth pondering. A one-star review that just says "WIerd sex." is not. 

Is the feedback coming from a place of support and genuine interest in your success? Do you respect their opinion? Do they have a proven history of elevating your craft? 

Even if the answer to all of those is "no," the pain is still there, but feel free to metaphorically (or literally, whatever works for you) set fire to their words and blow the ashes into the wind. 

Consider why frustration/anger/discouragement/whatever is your immediate reaction 

All of those are valid responses, particularly if you value the person's opinion. You are allowed to feel however you feel. But after you take a moment to feel it, step back. 

Why did it make you feel that way? 

Are you overwhelmed by the idea of making the changes? Do the suggestions fit your vision for the story? Would they take the story in a direction you don't want to go?  

If you are overwhelmed by the depth of the revisions, I suggest looking at what would make the biggest impact first and working down to the smaller changes from there. 

If the changes don't fit your vision for the story, I suggest implementing what does resonate with you, and then reconsidering the suggestions you set aside to see if you still feel the same way after you've had some space. 

Consider if it is really the feedback you are upset about, or if  something else is bothering you 

Sometimes, we aren't really mad about what we think we're mad about. 

When my son was in second grade, he had a full-out sobbing meltdown over dropping his toothbrush on the floor of the bathroom. 

As I was trying to explain it was far from the end of the world, he blurted out, "I miss (his friend who had moved away the month before)!" 

Then it all made sense. The toothbrush was just an easy target, not the actual problem. 

If the latest round of edits, critiques, etc., hits different, as my kids like to say, ask yourself if it's really the edits that are the problem, or are they just the toothbrush?

Were you hoping for the person's approval? Are you teetering on the edge of burnout? Is there something else in your life that is weighing heavily on your heart? Is there something completely unrelated to writing that needs to be addressed before jumping into these edits? 

What to do instead of trying to grow thicker skin:

🦎 Take a step away. Give yourself some time to process and consider your feelings. 

🦎 Eat the elephant one bite at a time. Scrolling through pages and pages of track changes, comments, and an editorial letter can be soul-crushing. Set a timer or a page limit and take it one bite at a time with breaks between sessions. 

🦎 Vent to a trusted friend or fellow writer. Lashing out at the person providing the feedback can be counterproductive, but sometimes it helps to get it all out. Give names to your feelings and let them flow before you take a step. Side note: I strongly, strongly suggest doing this privately and not on social media. 

🦎Write down all the reasons you disagree with the critique. If talking isn't the best way for you to organize your thoughts, or if you don't have someone you trust in that way, write it all down. "This suggestion is wrong because..."  "I don't want to make this change because..." Allowing yourself to disagree and pinpoint why it doesn't work for you can give insight into what you are truly feeling, and if the feedback really does or does not fit your vision. 

🦎 Go to your happy place. You trust something you created to someone else, and they pointed out that it was less than perfect. That can be an emotionally draining experience. Let yourself have a little fun. Dabble in whatever brings you joy.

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